suddenly had to learn to operate our lives from under a dense fog making
it difficult to navigate through our day to day lives.
we could no longer depend upon ourselves because our spelling and the figuring
out of numbers or holding them in our head seemed to have become messed
up or had disappeared. What made it even more confusing was that sometimes
we could access them. But, in time we learned that we could no longer depend
upon these assets to be automatically there for us.
our head, we knew exactly what we were going to say, yet, suddenly we'd
find ourselves unable to speak clearly, couldn't remember names, or repeat
an event, or a story correctly, and couldn't seem to remember from
here to there... When we'd go to say something often some other word would
jump out of our mouths and we wouldn't even realize it until someone pointed
it out to us.
longer did we have the ability to see the whole picture, to plan or to
organize quickly. Fixing the simplest of things became difficult, sometimes
it completely overwhelmed us...
time it became difficult to visit with groups of people; couldn't concentrate
on the conversations, we interrupted others in mid sentence, we'd joined
in the conversation long after that topic was over... Our sense of judgment
now was way off. We started making lots of errors that caused us to feel
stupid and incompetent and we didn't know why.
we got lost in our own neighborhoods, went through red lights, went down
the opposite side of one way streets... No longer could we hold instructions
in our head, assemble projects, devour a book, or perform new simple tasks
and sometimes we couldn't even perform the tasks we had known so well...
first we didn't realize that we'd lost these assets. We'd think, "This
clumsy mind will pass... We are just tired, sick, feeling off or something.
... We secretly wondered if it was the start Alzheimer Disease. In
time we discovered it was brain-interruptus... Brain would be here sometimes
and gone the next minute. No longer could we lean upon our natural resources
and learned assets... For some of us, we soon learned the cause of all
this was Lyme disease and for others we had no idea what it was as MD's
told us we were healthy and for some of us we were even born with it so
this was our normal.
the years went by, we readjusted our life to accommodate our interuptus
did you readjust your life because of your cognitive changes?
the physical and cognitive changes ballyragged into our lives the loss
of our natural assets may have caused us to experience shame. Sometimes
the shame jumped up from long ago times when we had heard of poor spellers,
poor readers, poor in math... failures... Because now we were unable to
add, subtract, divide, and do the simplest number problem solving whenever
we needed to. Or, because we couldn't remember how to spell a word or put
a sentence right side up and made errors in the written word that made
others look up at us... or call us out, or say, "What's the matter with
we experienced shame because we no longer could perform our job, or retain
employment or feed our family or pay our rent...
friends asked, "What book you are reading these days?" They didn't know
we were unable to concentrate long enough to read a full page, or even
remember what we had just read, or how it just no longer sunk into our
brain... and maybe we didn't even understand why. So, how do we explain
something we did not even understand ourselves after having been a reader
with always one or two books on the go, at all times? What did we lose
from the inability to read books?
we were no longer able to talk straight, speak out the words we wanted,
when we misspoke, when we realized what we said was absolutely the wrong
thing and only realizing it much later ... As a consequence, we felt embarrassed.
missed meeting up with someone we'd promised to meet at a certain date
and time and we had no logical explanation on how come we had forgotten
... So, we felt embarrassed, stupid, call ourselves absent minded...
we couldn't do things like we used to and other's would say, "What's wrong
with you?" because they they expected us to perform as our former selves
with our former abilities... Shame... embarrassment... A wanting to run
away and hide...
expected us to baby-sit children, to go out celebrating 'til the wee hours,
to help with the lifting of heavy stuff "like a man", to socialize in groups...
but, we just couldn't handle it anymore. Maybe we didn't even understand
why and couldn't even explain what had changed in us.
of physical and cognitive skills cause us to feel
embarrassed, ashamed, stupid, clumsy. We can't trust or depend upon ourselves
anymore. (We feel inept... less then our former selves.) We make mistakes
and we feel others think less of us and if nobody, but ourselves knows
of the big mistakes we made, then we call our own selves down and lose
trust in ourselves. These losses chisel away at our belief in ourselves
... our self esteem, the very back bone of our personalities.
add to that the not knowing why, the having been told by the experts that
it is all in our head, or that there was nothing wrong with us... Shame
kicks in, we want to hide... even when we suspect something is/was wrong
with our health, we begin to question our belief in ourselves.
cannot even grieve these cognitive and physical losses, because, every
now and again, these skills come back again as if they never went away!
The pain migrates, the symptoms wax and wane, symptoms are all over the
place from head to toe, here today, gone tomorrow and then something entirely
new shows up... We question our mental health.
Take your time to answer the following honestly:
you doing on purpose to cause your symptoms?
you doing on purpose to cause your symptoms?
you control when your symptoms will trip you up?
you control when your symptoms tripped
the symptoms you have had, and those you are presently experiencing, are
you doing the very best you can with what you have left of your cognitive
and physical assets?
you always doing the very best you knew how with the abilities you had
have your remaining assets helped you to manage your life through this
you manage your life the best you could while you were in disease?
you proud of you for having done the best you could with the skills, assets
and information you possessed throughout this ordeal?
Disorganization - Transformation
Sometimes the loss of cognitive
abilities and the physical abilities prevent us from performing in the
workplace and then we have to deal with the loss of employment.
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